Communication

Communication
Inspiration from Kenny Toh, Parents as Coaches

One of the main problems in today’s families is the lack of communication. Let me be a little more specific and state effective and quality communication, as many of us ‘communicate’ through shouting, door clamming or silent body gestures continuously at home. The lack of proper communication has been lacking in families and this is not a new epidemic.

Effective communication really takes two hands to clap and it requires both parties to actively listen and contribute tactfully to the communication process. If otherwise done, you might as well talk straight to a blank wall or your favorite stuff toy at home.

I’m going to lay out some elements of effective communication in this write up and I hope you will be able to pick up some nuggets of truth and inspiration.


Communication through PLAY:

Children have been born to play. Even when I’m nearing 24, I still love playing and I make it a point to have fun in whatever I do, be it work or reading a book or even just sweating it out at the gym.

It is no secret that children learn best through playing. In fact, that applies to adults too. Playing is not only essential but a lot of fun too. It warms up and relaxes the mind, making it open and receptive to learning.

Playing puts a child in a state of wonder, enabling them to experiment with new things, ideas or activities, uninhibited by fears arising from excessive self-consciousness. The message for parents is that, "if you want to teach children something effectively, make sure that the process is fun for them".

Moreover, playing has healthy consequences to the family, for a family that plays together often stays together.



Communication through AFFIRMATION:

Children need affirmation, especially from their parents. Affirmation is nourishment for the soul. Affirmation may be given in the form of words such as "I believe in you" and "You are doing fine", or simply by nodding our head with encouragement. When we affirm our children, we strengthen their beliefs in themselves and help them build greater confidence.

Communication through COMPASSION:

Compassion is about feeling for others, empathizing with their sufferings, a virtue that is beneficial to cultivate from young. Virtues or values are to be caught and not taught. The best way to cultivate compassion in our children is through our actions. Children learn and absorb what’s around them like sponges. We may be quiet about what we are choosing to soak in but we tend to retail a lot of things, both good and bad.

An act of compassion need not necessarily involve volunteering at non-profit organizations or donating cash to charities. Opportunities for showing compassion happen in our every day life and is especially apparent in times of crisis. Most people are filled to the brim with complaints and bad mood, emo things, but it is at these times that compassion can really go very far.

If parents were to show such compassion since their children’s growing up age, it will inevitable rub off on them. It will be ingrained in their sub-conscious mind and a mimic behavior on their part would not be a chore or sacrifice but their way of life.

Recently, I have committed to show compassion in my daily life. I started tipping generously to people who least expect it. For example, paying a tip to the cab driver that is 50% of the fare or even 100%! The shocked but happy smile was all worth it. It made my day and definitely made his. Another thing we should all do, is thanking and tipping the uncles and aunties at the hawker centers and in our washrooms. Think about this: When was the last time they got a compliment?

Trust me on this, their smiles and appreciation will be worth much more than your dollars and cents.

Additionally, they need it much more than you do and I can promise that you will get back your act of kindness much more in return. Remember that we were blessed so that we can in return be a blessing. If you sow financially you will reap financially. It’s a biblical and spiritual truth. So go out there and bless

Communication through EMPATHY:

Empathy is the cornerstone of effective communication between the parent and the child. The key to tuning into our children emotionally lies in our ability to listen with empathy. Empathy requires the ability to feel what they feel, see what they see, hear what they hear, without reacting to these emotions. To listen with empathy, we need to be fully present to our children. Children need undivided attention. Through listening to their emotions, and acknowledging them without judgment, we make them feel understood. When a child feels understood, he feels loved. And when he feels loved, his opens up and becomes receptive to guidance.

Communication through HONESTY:

We would like to think that honesty is the best policy, but the truth often hurts. At times, honesty can be brutal. When a child tells a parent how much he hated his little brother and how he wishes that the latter is dead, it may cause the parent to feel hurt or furious over the child's ill thinking.

How should the parent respond? Definitely not with anger or disapproval. To encourage honesty, we need to maintain an environment in which our children feel safe to open their hearts and speak honestly. Conscious parents will acknowledge the child's courage for being honest, show empathy for the child's hatred, seek to understand the underlying causes, and then guide them out of the undesirable emotions.

Communication through INFINITE PATIENCE:

Effective parenting requires infinite patience. Children seldom respond at the rate that we wish they do. They need a lot room to experiment, try new ideas, and figure things out without being rushed or ridiculed.

With infinite patience, we are able to provide them the space for learning, failing, and growth. The best way to cultivate our patience, is to put the well-being of our children at heart when we are being with them. When their development is placed at the top of our priority, there is nothing else that we ought to be rushing to at the expense of their growth.

Communication through LISTENING:

The art of attentive listening is essential to effective communication. Listening attentively to our children requires us to be fully present to the conversation that we are having with them, while being aware of the perceptual filters that is determining what we are listening to.

We seldom listen with a truly neutral or open mind. What is important is not to eradicate these filters, but to be conscious of them and choose the appropriate filters that fit the situation. When we give our children full attention, we show them respect. As we listen with empathy, and respond in a manner which shows that we appreciate how they feel, we make them feel understood and loved.

Communication through QUESTIONING:

A question sets up an expectation for an answer. Questioning is one of the most powerful tools we could use to direct our children's thoughts. With great power, comes great responsibility, and hence it is to be used with care. Asking a child "Why did you do this?" may invite him to look for reasons and excuses for his behavior, and even lead him to lie if he feels that honesty will lead to worse consequences. Asking a child "What do you think you can do about it now?" directs his attention to actions, instead of reasons.

Asking a child "What if you can?" can redirect his thinking from limitations to possibilities. Conscious parents constantly hone their skills in questioning by developing a collection of useful questions to be fired off at the appropriate moments for guiding their children effectively.

Communication through SUGGESTIONS:

Suggestions work better than instructions. Children and teenagers who are establishing their own identities are prone to reject being told what they should do.

Consider the use of suggestions through the use of words such as "Would you consider ..." or "Perhaps you may like to try ..." instead of "Do as I say!". Suggestions have the power of penetrating into the child's subconscious mind, and hence, bypassing the deliberate evaluation by the conscious mind where the child accepts or rejects what was said.


True suggestions, we can provide guidance through exploring them to new options, without appearing to imposing on them.


Communication through JOKES AND RIDDLES:

Children love jokes and riddles because they make them laugh.

A sense of humor is a great asset for getting through to children. Make a commitment to learn some jokes and riddles, and use them generously on your children, especially when they feel down or depressed. After all, laughter is often the best medicine!